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well, i wouldn't say i've been *missing* it, bob
2001-05-09
2:23 am
i've gone completely off a decent sleep schedule again. i was doing pretty well until i stayed up til 6am friday night/saturday morning. argh. i did only sleep today for about 4 hours, though, so i'm sure i'll be going back to sleep before morning arrives.
i've spent a good amount of time the past few days pondering what i want to do with my life. i get easily frustrated with myself for not having already figured this out. i don't know if i'll ever figure it out. i just can't find any career aspirations inside of me. i don't mean this as in i actually want to spend my time doing nothing. i don't mind having a job. i guess that's part of it - everything i've ever done has always seemed like just a job to me. you know, a way to make the rent, buy food, support my habits, etc.
i started working while still in high school. i spent entirely too long in the clerical field. i didn't really enjoy doing that type of work, but it was for the most part mindless (read: the work in itself was not really stress inducing) and the money was decent. i suppose the meticulous side of my personality was well suited to this kind of work. detail-oriented blah blah blah. the fact that finding a job was generally effortless also added to my doing it for so long. years ago i moved to another city with my then-boyfriend. we went because he'd received a job offer. i figured what the hell, i can be a secretary anywhere. this was true, to an extent. i was able to find work there, but comparatively, the pay was crap. i received two paychecks a month, but my rent alone was more than one of them. so i was struggling with this work/money predicament, and then several months later the relationship ended as well, so i moved back here.
i've spent the last five years (nearly six, actually. argh.) doing web stuff. i prefer to say 'stuff' because what the hell does 'web developer' mean anyway? depends on whom you ask. to me, developer = programmer. while i did do some programming, it wasn't the bulk of my work for these past years. depending on whom you're working for, the title of 'web developer' always tends to mean something different. perhaps it was because the industry itself was new to so many people that they simply didn't know what to call anything. as i peruse job listings now, it seems as if they are at least a bit closer to being able to distinguish a developer from a designer from an architect from an administrator, etc. back to my point. what was my point, exactly? i don't even know for sure. regardless, i've worn many hats (god, i hate that expression and i just used it) in this field and i'm just tired of it. it's all one big load a crap.
i've at least narrowed down my prospects, and for the most part they're all retail. they probably won't even hire me as i don't have any proper retail experience. hi! nearly every company i've ever worked for has sold something. even if i didn't do the selling, i was aware of the selling and understood its relation to the company's prosperity. even better - i buy stuff regularly. what else do i need to know? argh.
people are always saying 'the trick is to find something that makes you happy'. the problem is that so far i haven't found anything to do that makes me happy and also has the added benefit of someone paying me handsomely to do it.
i hate it when you meet someone new and they say something like "so what do you do?" they don't mean "what do you do?" they mean "what do you do for a living?", as if this defines who you are. it can have some bearing on your person, but there are so many other things about an individual that are much more interesting. i mean, i don't ever recall saying anything close to "i like hanging around with that guy 'cause he's a dentist." i know that i'm getting a bit melodramatic. normally people ask this kind of question simply because they can't think of anything else to say. it's an easily accepted way of striking up conversation, kind of like "how about this weather?" or some other such rubbish. i just don't like the question. for a time i was working out of my house. i would meet people who'd say "what do you do?" and i'd try to explain it to them. inevitably someone would say "so are you like that girl in that movie "the net"?" NO! argh.
random movie quote:
"i wanted to meet stimulating and interesting people of an ancient culture, and kill them. i wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill."
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